Ella's Horoscopes

Aries- The Ram- March 20th- April 18th

Feeling like you’re having a rough week? Well things aren’t looking to get any better. If there was ever a week to finally hunker down and work on that nuclear bomb shelter you’ve been dreaming of, it’s this one. Wouldn’t recommend going out, unless of course you’re hungry. If you do you might run into a fizzled out love interest. I would recommend pretending you didn’t see them and running discreetly into the bathroom. As far as your school work goes, you’re grades may improve, but the crystal ball is pretty foggy on that.

Lucky Color: magenta

Lucky Animal: Pangolin

Taurus- The Bull- April 19th- May 19th

Wow! It’s a good month to be a Taurus. Unless of course you do not enjoy mass amounts of stress and disappointment. Lunch today is a walking taco. That English assignment due Thursday? That’s due today. On the bright side, your crush just broke up with their boo. Play your cards right and you might just sneak your way in there. Try to get over nine hours of sleep tonight, this isn’t because of your horoscope, you should just strive to be well rested.

Lucky Angle: 75 degrees’

Lucky Day: Thursday

Gemini- The Twins- May 20th- June 20th

You will have some good things happen to you today. Also some bad. Maybe try going to the gym this week, or try eating enough chocolate pudding to push you almost to the point of puking. Also, every doorway you walk through, make sure you touch the top of the doorframe or else something bad might happen to your cat. I wouldn’t risk it.

Lucky Vegetable: eggplant

Lucky Word: australopithecus

Cancer- The Crab- June 21st- July 21st

You’re one lucky Redhawk. Go to as many sports games as possible this week, it seems you have the golden touch. If you show up we’re sure to win. Your skin will be glowing this week and your hair will be soft. It’s a wonderful year to be a cancer. It’s always wonderful to be a cancer. Ella is also a cancer.

Lucky dessert: Chocolate Cake

Lucky song: All I Do Is Win- DJ Khaled

Leo- The Lion-July 22nd- August 21st

Stay away from large bodies of water this month. Anything bigger than your bathtub is sure to bring you bad luck. Also you can never be too superstitious about spider sightings. I’m just sayin’. Enjoy a couple of sweet potatoes this week, they’re a great source of potassium.

Lucky smell: Fresh cut grass

Lucky number: 76

Virgo- The Virgin- August 22nd- September 21st

I know what you’re thinking, these horoscopes are all made up. You might be right Ellie Benningham, and you also have a pug named Waffles. But it’s good to be skeptical. It would also be good to avoid everything with the color purple in, on, or near it for the next 27 days. Or I might just be making that up. Better safe than sorry.

Lucky color: purple

Lucky state: Virginia

Libra- The Balance- September 22nd- October 22nd

I’m getting tired of writing these. You will have an average week. Your love life will remain average. You’re school performance will remain average. The number of grapes you can fit in your mouth with increase slightly. That is all.

Lucky m&m color: orange

Lucky class period: 6th hour

Scorpio- The Scorpion- October 23rd- November 21st

I hope you are planning on celebrating Taco Tuesday this evening! Fill your gullet with spicy tacos and good luck is sure to follow. Your crush will notice you. Your GPA will finally be restored to its previous glory. You’ll win the next game of Apples to Apples you play, guaranteed. You might even get parallel parking. Haha, who are we kidding? No one’s getting any better at parallel parking.

Lucky classroom: B308

Lucky letter: K

Sagittarius- The Archer- November 22nd- December 20th

You forgot to put deodorant on. Don’t worry, no one’s noticed yet, but definitely keep those pits on lockdown. That’s not the only mishap you are going to have today. I wouldn’t drink a lot of liquid today. Could have dire consequences. On the bright side of things, you might see a cute dog today. Do a pushup right now.

Lucky meat: Beef Brisket

Lucky math symbol: %

Capricorn- The Goat- December 21st- January 18th

Dream big this month, don't be afraid of taking a risk or two. If there was ever a month to plan to dance mob, it’s this one. Pick a song, choreograph a fun and easy dance, film yourself doing it, send the video out to the entire school body, pick a time and place and watch your hard work unfold! Also, stop biting your nails you filthy animal.

Lucky time: 5:16 AM

Lucky instrument: piccolo

Aquarius- The Water-Bearer- January 19th- February 17th

Stop stressing out. Need help relaxing? Try writing the word “cupcake” so many times the letters don’t even look real. Then drink some hot apple cider and try not to think about all the homework you could’ve been doing instead of writing “cupcake” 1,000 time. Oh no, what were you thinking! Wow, no the stress is just growing! Why are you wasting time finishing this horoscope!!!

Lucky body part: wrist

Lucky fabric: polyester

Pisces- The Fishes- February 18th- March 19th

What’s that smell? Ahh, the sweet scent of success. It seems you’ve been very productive these past few weeks and it’s really paid off. No better way to reward yourself than giving yourself a nice big hug. Go ahead, try it. Wrap your arms around yourself. Don’t worry no one's looking. Doesn’t that feel nice? Ahh life is good. Also you still have to finish that vocab assignment. I wouldn’t stick anything in your nose this week.

Lucky fingernail: fourth one on the right hand

Lucky transportation: skipping